I trusted the product because it’s made in-house by a local business owner known to the community, is nicely branded and packaged (suggesting there was at least a little quality control), and multiple people I trust have taken it and vouched for it.
It was a standard-sized, 100-gram bar containing 5% “functional mushrooms.” With 20 squares, that comes out to about 0.25 grams of mushrooms per square. Standard psilocybin content averages 1%, so there was probably around 0.0025 grams (or 2.5 milligrams) of psychoactive compounds per square.
I had never tried mushrooms before, nor micro-dosed anything, and therefore decided to start small: I took 1 square at 10 am on a weekday, about an hour before a Zoom workshop I was scheduled to teach for our Second Brain Membership.
These virtual workshops, which I do monthly, are typically quite challenging for me, since I have to keep a lot of material in mind and communicate it compellingly, while also taking into account the time left, people’s needs and questions, activity in the chat, the broader goals of the membership, etc.
It requires a lot of parallel processing and mixing different kinds of thinking, as well as keeping the objective in mind while remaining highly adaptable, which I often find difficult. I wanted to see if this chocolate could help me handle it with more ease.
Within about 15 minutes, I started noticing the effects, which were similar in magnitude to about 1-2 alcoholic drinks for me, i.e., a feel-good warmth without the negative side effects of heavy drinking.
The recurring pain in the right side of my throat that has plagued me for almost 20 years was already feeling relieved at this point. A line of tension down the right side of my neck (probably corresponding to my vagus nerve) felt soothed and even kind of buzzing with energy.
I started feeling a tingling, “glowing” sensation throughout my shoulders, neck, throat, and lower part of my head, as well as relief from a daily headache I’d had for weeks since recovering from a bad flu, which makes me think there were some pain-relieving effects.
As the workshop started, I felt noticeably more emotionally fluid, open, joyous, playful, and expressive, in place of the usual low-level anxiety I feel on group calls.
My wife Lauren, overhearing me from the other room, later said I sounded “really into myself,” which is a great description! I felt like the hot girl at a crowded bar, if that makes sense, open to and inviting attention from others, which is unusual for me.
During the call, I noticed I had a much easier time navigating the tension between sticking to a pre-formulated plan and adapting to changing circumstances. This was mostly because I more or less abandoned the plan – we only covered 1/3 of the agenda – which was a good thing because it was more important to discuss and integrate the material than plow ahead with all my slides, which is my usual tendency.
I felt much more attuned to the people on the call, warmer, more aware of their signals and body language, more curious about them, more interested in and welcoming of their questions and comments (which I can sometimes interpret defensively as veiled criticism, I’ve noticed).
We ended the last 15 minutes of the call with a very deep and personal discussion of what it means to be responsible adults and to conform to external expectations in the real world, without abandoning our interests, passions, aliveness, and sense of self.
That question was only loosely related to the technique I had introduced, but took a turn toward a more meaningful discussion than it would have otherwise.
Right after the Zoom call, I turned my attention to assembling a wooden playground structure for my kids, which I’d been doing the last few days in the afternoons after work.
Surprisingly, this was extremely challenging! It was comically difficult for me to hold in mind obscure part numbers, search for them, count the numbers of screws and washers we needed for the next step, etc., a kind of task I normally find very easy.
I could tell my working memory was hampered – I repeatedly failed to hold in mind a 4-digit part number for more than a minute and had to keep starting over! I also handed my friend the wrong parts or the wrong number of parts. I don’t recommend doing construction on psilocybin, as studies have shown that it can hamper complex working memory.
I also found, both during my Zoom call and the subsequent construction task, that I cared much less and had much less fluency with anything numerical, abstract, technical, or conceptual, which normally feels like my “home territory.”
Instead, I felt drawn to nature, things physical and concrete, and thinking about my friends, family, and people I love.
About 4.5 to 5 hours later, the effects had mostly subsided, and I was left with a pleasant afterglow like the morning after a fun party with friends (though my headache returned). I then left home to pick up the kids from school, and when my son got into the car, I felt a strong sense of spontaneous joy and almost broke into tears. I felt very connected to him and his innocence in that moment and throughout the afternoon.
For the rest of the day, I felt much more patient with the kids than usual. Normally, afternoons feel like they’re passing too slowly. I can find myself bored in comparison to the exciting pace of my workday.
Next, I took the kids grocery shopping. I expected this task to be challenging, since it involves finding all the items on a list, but by this point, the cognitive effects had worn off and my working memory had returned.
I felt more spontaneous, with my inner critic dormant and not filtering my words as much. This could also be described as “impulsive,” though, and my wife said I was “on one” all afternoon, and more blunt with her than usual.
In the evening, we went back to school for an all-school meeting, which took place in a forest next to the school. These all-school meetings are usually a bit stressful for me, with a flurry of faces and names I can’t quite remember, and all in Spanish. I felt noticeably calmer and more at ease this time, and about 50% warmer toward others (which made me about average for Mexicans!)
I had vivid dreams all night, one after the other, all warm and fuzzy and related to people I cared about. Besides the potential rudeness to my wife, the only downside I noticed was feeling thirsty. I had little appetite and didn’t eat much all day.
My conclusion from this first experiment was that this was a wonderful, enlightening, moving experience overall, and I definitely wanted to try it again. Micro-dosing felt very promising as an ongoing practice, as I seemed to be able to gain many mindset-altering benefits while still going about my day.
Overall, it strongly biased my mind and emotions away from abstract concepts and toward people, nature, my body, feelings, intuition, and my physical surroundings. Those are ways of being that I normally find hard to access, so this is extremely useful!
I did around half a dozen micro-doses, spaced out around once per week, as an initial foray into the world of magic mushrooms, and deeply appreciated their ability to shift me into a more grounded, calm, joyful, and connective state of being.
Macro-dosing
For the second phase of my experiment, I decided to go deeper with mushrooms and take a “macro-dose” (typically defined as approximately 2–3 grams, equal to roughly 25 mg purified psilocybin) under the supervision of an experienced professional.
I recently met another father at our kids’ school who is a psychotherapist and administered psilocybin and MDMA-assisted therapy sessions on the outskirts of our town. We had a lot of mutual friends, and after getting to know him at a local sauna, I decided to work with him.
The process was surprisingly pedestrian: a Calendly booking link to schedule my session, plus a preparation call a few days beforehand, and a post-integration call a few days after. On our prep call, he asked me about my childhood history, my past experience with psychedelics and other mind-altering substances, my work and family situation, and any risk factors like mental disorders or addictive tendencies. He gave me guidelines such as not eating meat or drinking alcohol in the week leading up to our session, and asked me to water fast on the day of.
Most of all, we talked about my intentions for the sessions – what I wanted to see, hear, learn, and discover about myself.
The intention I settled on was to explore my relationship with my father and how that affected my relationship with my son. My son and I had been going through what felt like a period of conflict and friction lately, as he explored his willfulness and the limits of parental boundaries. I’d felt distant from him, like an authority figure enforcing the rules rather than a friend going on a journey, and wanted to get to the root of the anger and frustration I’d felt toward him as he provoked his sister or made messes at the dinner table.
In previous psychedelic experiences, my father and my son had been at the forefront of my mind the entire time, and in retrospect, I can see that I just sort of assumed that would be the case again. Much of my personal growth journey has been about healing my past with my father, and I realize I had almost resigned myself to continuing to do so indefinitely. But plant medicine has intentions of its own, and I would find that not to be the case.
Set and setting
On the day of my scheduled session, I had a slow morning and, around 9 am, hailed a taxi to the therapist’s house, about 20 minutes away. His home was in a heavily forested area outside town, surrounded by nature, with a small office on the corner of his property seemingly purpose-built for these sessions.
It was a single room with an attached bathroom, decorated with all kinds of spiritual paraphernalia – incense, altars, totems, crystals, and images of Eastern spirituality. A large pullout sofa bed with a thick comforter occupied the center of the room, with a desk in one corner and two chairs facing each other in the other.
I took off my shoes and silenced my phone, and had a seat in one of the chairs. We spoke for about 15 minutes, revisiting my intention for the day and covering what I should expect over the coming hours. There was relatively little orientation needed: I would drink a small cup of dried mushrooms dissolved in water, with some lemon added to counter the bitterness, put on an eye covering, and lie in the bed under the covers for about 3-4 hours, to see what the mushrooms had to teach me.
I drank the liquid, which amounted to 4.3 grams of dried mushrooms (which at a 1.5% concentration meant about 40 milligrams of the active ingredient), and we talked for another 10 minutes, waiting for the medicine to start taking its effect. I started to feel its effects after about 15 minutes, and at that point went to the bathroom and then took my place under the covers. The therapist would stay with me throughout the entire 4-hour experience, making sure I was okay and supplying tissues and water as needed.
The first effects were visual – colorful tendrils of light swirling in the air above me. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was how mushrooms saw the world. After about 20 minutes of this, I went to the bathroom again, as the mushrooms had an effect on my bowels similar to coffee.
Wrestling with an inner force
As I settled back into the bed, the experience shifted abruptly as a rising tide of discomfort quickly overtook me. It was a mix of nausea, muscle aches, and a kind of mental discomfort as thoughts and feelings I typically avoid rushed to the surface.
The next hour was physically intense for me – I writhed in the bed, flailing side to side, clutching my shirt and the bedspread, as the nausea got stronger and stronger. I broke out into a sweat, moaned and groaned and whimpered and snarled and breathed loudly in and out. It felt like I was wrestling with a powerful adversary, but that adversary was inside me, struggling to get out as I struggled to keep it in.
Throughout this part, many images flashed vividly through my mind, but I was surprised to find that they were mostly related to my daughter Delia. I saw her anguished face as she cried over a fight with her brother, and felt her kicking legs and pushing arms as she fought being put to bed. Suddenly, I was in her place, lying in her crib, crying and thrashing against the insurmountable force of my parent. I saw and felt it all viscerally from her perspective.
Eventually, I could sense the nausea was rising to a crescendo, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I felt the irresistible urge to yell, and gripping the sheets with my fists, I let out a couple blood-curdling roars at the top of my lungs, and could feel something moving through me and leaving me, like an exorcism.
I could tell it was something related to my daughter, but I can’t say exactly what. As I lay on the bed, my legs propped up in exactly the birthing position, it was almost like I needed to “give birth” to her at a metaphorical or consciousness level, in the same way my wife had given birth to her physically. At 2 years old, her personality and will have emerged in full force, and it was as if I had to change my attitude and relationship to her from that of a helpless baby, requiring mostly feeding and changing, to a full-fledged person whose voice and opinions deserve an equal place in our family.
I told the therapist that I needed to throw up, and he brought a small bucket to the bedside so I could do so. Later, he told me that vomiting was uncommon, but not unheard of, during these sessions – happening with maybe one in every 30 people. As with ayahuasca, fighting the nausea and trying to keep the medicine down, I believe, was therapeutic. It provided a physical metaphor for the internal struggle, and the physical act of vomiting functioned as a symbolic act of expunging or releasing a force, entity, or energy that had been repressed inside.
The experience from that point onward was much calmer and more sublime. With my stomach empty but the psychoactive compounds fully absorbed into my bloodstream, I was free to go on an inner voyage. The music being played took center stage, a mix of soft contemplative instrumental tracks and adventurous, rousing anthems that sounded like a Hollywood epic.
Witnessing the women in my life
I found that, in contrast to my stated intention, my voyage was mostly about the women in my family. I thought of my mother, her intense love for me piercing my heart like it hadn’t in years. I felt the grief of her recent breast cancer recurrence, the helplessness I felt toward it, and how sorry I was to not be able to help her during this time, after all the years she dropped everything to care for me.
I thought of my wife Lauren and witnessed her essence as a divine, transcendent being that I was privileged to be with. The most clear message I received the whole time was that she was “the universe’s gift to me.” That she represents the universe’s most sincere act of pure generosity, I could never deserve nor repay. I felt the grief and sadness of all the times I didn’t treat her that way, neglecting to give her the attention, care, and respect her divine nature deserved.
I felt the deep sadness of not always treating my kids as the gifts they are. Of the times I’ve treated them as obligations, as hurdles to get past on the way to what I want. All of their emotions I hadn’t fully allowed – their rage, frustration, complaints, pride, annoyance, neediness, jealousy – came rushing up toward me from the pit where they’d been festering, unseen and unloved. It was hard to bear, the full weight of all that emotion. Like a white hot flash flood rushing past and through me on all sides.
And again I thought of and felt my daughter – her emerging emotions of anger and sadness, her strong will and stubbornness, her vibrant personality, and the unique role she was starting to play in our family as peacemaker, caretaker, and comedian. It’s hard to explain, but each of these memories, realizations, ideas, and stories weren’t so much “thought” as “felt,” as if they were striking deep into the soft places of my heart. I cried more or less continuously, the tears completely soaking my eye mask and pillow.
What was interesting about this part of the experience is that it was relatively free of “stories.” My daughter is so young, and our relationship so simple and pure, that I didn’t really have strong narratives about her that I had to let go of. The process was mostly somatic, like my body just needed to let go and process something I couldn’t fully explain, and both the logical explanations and the accompanying emotions took a backseat.
Holding this lineage of women in my mind, I was overwhelmed with the awareness of how much love they had poured into me my entire life. All the care, the thoughtfulness, the sacrifice. I felt the full weight of that care and how it had shaped me into the person I am now, capable of caring for so many others in turn. I saw how crucial, how all-important that warmth and love were to who I was; so much more important than the intellect with which I normally identify.
Tangentially, I also saw how important that direct, human caregiving is going to be in the new AI-driven era we’re entering. How important it’s going to be that we see each other, know each other, look out for each other, and help each other through the torrent of change we’re all facing as AI reshapes society.
I saw that I could play a role not only in the intellectual, analytical, process-driven implementation of AI, but just as much in the education, the personal growth, and the human compassion that will need to accompany it. I had such a clear vision of the community we could create to help people grapple with the immensity of what AI would mean for them, and provide that human care and warmth that we all need to welcome the future with openness and curiosity.
The neuroscience of psychedelics
My psychedelic experience proceeded in stages or waves. They were almost like mini-trances, or a succession of dreams, as my mind flowed from one scene or sequence to the next.
I found that I could choose when I wanted to “switch” from one line of thinking and feeling to another, almost like switching the channel on the TV. All I had to do was turn my head from one direction to another, and all of a sudden, my focus shifted. This was the first time I felt I had some control over the direction of my experience – I could choose where I wanted to go, what I wanted to focus on. And any person, relationship, memory, or part of life I focused on would yield insights.
I was reminded of this pair of images I came across in Michael Pollan’s book How to Change Your Mind, showing the connectivity of the human brain in a normal state, compared to the hyperconnectivity of a psilocybin-induced state (based on this study):